Just entertain the moo's!

I killed it last night! This whole week I've been a bit nervous about my first burlesque performance. A small quaint burlesque bar in brooklyn run by a MILF named Garret, (gawd hot chicks w/guy names always rock) said that if she liked me she'd give me 25 bux per song performance. ok so i'd never even seen a burlesque show in my life (i hated moolawn rouge), though i have seen and been in a slue of drag perfomances...it's the same thing but drag perfomers are actually entertaining.ANYflippin way burlesque in this place is painful to watch. I was the middle act and still not sure what the hell i was doing there. I went in knowing very well that i wasn't like anything that any of these people have ever seen before. I gave the dj my c.d. walked to the little tiny riser stage and announced that I'm someone from a near future, and that I wasn't going to be taking any of my close off because I won't need to. dressed like a 1920's gangster- fedora, tie, sleeveless pinstripe, fitted slacks, and ATTITUDE. I danced my liquid twitchy wonderments, all 25 people were obviously into it so i danced to an extra song. i was approached by 5 people 3 saying i was the best act...sad really.My friend Leslie was there (she such a good friend always comes to my little gigs in the corners), and was ready to leave after my show, so i went to tell Garrett thanks i have to go. i was offended by this last night- she forced a grin and said "well, you are different definately different" (in my head i'm screaming i know i'm different for fuck sakes where the fuck do i take this weird fucking talent?) but i politely smile and say yeah thanks, she said "i'll have to book you for something else heres 10 dollars" ok so does that mean she almost half way liked me? or i should have taken off my cloths? what ever i'm goin home next week since this isn't workin out.

I'M A PIGEON! the cooing

i dreamt i was a pigieon, not much thought nor feeling goes into bein a pigeion....i'm nervous right now (as pigieons tend to be)haven't left my neighborhood for 3 days and i'm already having anxiety disorders, irratic sleeping patterns, terrible eating habits and AMAZING music production i've written and completed one track everyday. i'm not much for company. not really sad or unhappy, just relaxing and waiting for stuff to happen. lots of bantering in my head.

i'm gettin me a library card!

demicode HighwayCounty Jail5Hobotown20Mt. Happiness44Contentment Meadows154Loony-Bin Lane351Please Drive CarefullyUsername:Where are you on the highway of life?From Go-Quiz.com

i'm just complaining as a proper new yorker should.

Is it a lawn gnome? Is it a cattle proder? No, it's kaleidoscope-Man! More jangly than a semi-aquatic moose! able to go out on the town with a tin foil hat- digesting goat byproducts in a single leaping leotard!ALL YOUR GANGLION ARE BELONG TO US!did the weirdest thing 20 minutes ago, i went to mcdonald's to steal sugar for my cawffee then went pee, there was a smelly lady in the stall, who left her newly purchased coffee by the sink...I walked off with it. so now i have lots of coffee. hence my rambling.ok so do i look like a fucking people person? there are hundreds of empty computer consoles in this place and this shmoo has to sit right next to me and ask how to work the fucking thing and to basically type for him. Why do people like to make me an impatient condescending bitch? is it my flaming red hair that screams- hey look at me i'm an information booth/tech support/jolly companion for yer asshole children.AND WHY are there ghetto flaiming homo thugs and queens prancing about this friggin early demanding attention with bitchy fUcK yous! around me none the less. Mermaid Parade and DYKE MARCH! i'm scheduled to be at a fitting for a fetish fashion show today, but fuck it they're not paying me unless i do it 4 more times.

i'm just complaining as a proper new yorker should.

Is it a lawn gnome? Is it a cattle proder? No, it's kaleidoscope-Man! More jangly than a semi-aquatic moose! able to go out on the town with a tin foil hat- digesting goat byproducts in a single leaping leotard!ALL YOUR GANGLION ARE BELONG TO US!did the weirdest thing 20 minutes ago, i went to mcdonald's to steal sugar for my cawffee then went pee, there was a smelly lady in the stall, who left her newly purchased coffee by the sink...I walked off with it. so now i have lots of coffee. hence my rambling.ok so do i look like a fucking people person? there are hundreds of empty computer consoles in this place and this shmoo has to sit right next to me and ask how to work the fucking thing and to basically type for him. Why do people like to make me an impatient condescending bitch? is it my flaming red hair that screams- hey look at me i'm an information booth/tech support/jolly companion for yer asshole children.AND WHY are there ghetto flaiming homo thugs and queens prancing about this friggin early demanding attention with bitchy fUcK yous! around me none the less. Mermaid Parade and DYKE MARCH! i'm scheduled to be at a fitting for a fetish fashion show today, but fuck it they're not paying me unless i do it 4 more times.

and i ask again...

yesterday was tha longest miserable day i've had in awhile...well, the night mutated into tripping w/ skizoeffectiv and this hot industrial gay boy @ pyramid a place of which i strongly advise, not taking psychadelics in, especially on a night packed with instagoth ghetto kids dancing to 8o's musik. i didn't eat enough to be "faced" (tripping ballz in ny slang) it was more of a mood enhancer and my mood was already a bit foul. the most dramatic epiphany was that i shouldn't be in new york anymore. and i already knew that. so needless to say it wasn't that great for me. usually when i eat funky fungus i'd be a flailing goofball idiot amuzing the hell out of a pole or some shit. we made our way to a diner in west village, um yeah anna the clock was splattered all over that mirror whirbbling and breathing, but u must refrane from telling the whole diner that. fuckin wierdos. mmmm CHICKIN! again thanks for feeding me. i know how hard u worked for that money...te he.i went home to attempt this thing called sleep. insted, i picked up my 5th editon 1938 colligate dictionary...and i ask again:"if she could tell me something what would it be?"i open and my index finger lands on "cupid"such little things make me ok.

i am cravin...

i am craving a fresh bavarin cream filled churro and to stand directly in deadly rays of stupid.fuck me gerenerously with something. really. not. fuckable. or just squirrel wrassle infront of me. yeah.

Merriam-Websters 5th Edition Makes Me Cry.

stayed up balling this morning. I have a funny form of i guess divination, a ouja board type of answering my tuffest quests. I take my Merriam-Websters 5th edition 1938 dictionary, hold it, clear my mind and ask silly consciousness things. today the first question i asked was "if she could tell me something what would it be?" i open and my thumb lands on "expiation: The act of expiating; atonement."my heart definitely panged that fucked up thing it does when u feel a lot for someone.i asked a series of questions and cleared my head of most worries. after crying a lot (holding my dictionary, pathetic image ain't it), the silliest question i asked is why it hurts so much (i'm not used to this hurt feeling, i turn that off usually), i forgot the answer but it was scarrry. now, it only works when there isn't a doubt in my mind about the relivancy of each word. it's a matter of connectiong the words definition, to the question, a lot of multidimensional thinking.anyway, i keep a track of these in my computer, of which i fucking broke the other day, note to self: don't let skeevy porn clips be on loop for too long...ops.i'm too lazy to figure out how to fix it, i'm also too lazy to clean my room, and too lazy in general. i'm tired of things, i'm tired of this, i'm tired of getting lost and losing.over the years, (i don't conceit) people often fall in love with the idea of me. (I know this because i've done this a couple of times the idea is an illusion that is created by the desire for perfection as we all know, impossible.)they find that i'm not this idea i've made, a weird approximation of what i want to be. Because of their own deceit, there is an awakward realization that they can't love me the way i need to be loved...i guess i'm not so ideal because i need not just to be loved, but lots of fucking understanding or at least the scrutinzing attempt of... i don't know. but its in here somewhere, it's a matter of who has the will to pull it out and who i'm willing to let do this, fucking vastness. i'll find it when i stop looking, as they say.i've been loved in many many different sorts, unconditional being the most desperate. the thows of passion, being liberating as it seems, is the most constraining of the emotionally restrained. i know things with my heart more than anyone i've ever known. and i know this- i don't know shit. can i just start over?

compulsatory movements

Burn my fucking soul already.I abide to terminal delude of souls coiling into me.Demanding words to describe the nothingness of my mind.I don't think in words, so I slaughter the english language as I try.This morning, staring threw my reflection, in the dark subwaycar window, repulsed by my appearance.I saw from outside in, a cyanosis riddled woman, pale, naked curled up & pressed against the door window. sort of floating there inside the subway car, black hair flowing, very peaceful, strikingly beautiful. A cyanotic tone about everything.My depth of field shifted into my reflection again,my face had become a majestic catlike human hybrid, an essence of me in a parallel world, I suppose.

crud cruder than crusted crap...ohgr dancer

Lame story but to commemorate that I danced for Oghr, not that he'd give a naked rats ass...it was fun regardless of my cuntiness. had a decent turn out...The musik was fuckin ill at some points, especially Adam X spinning industrial. I danced like I haven't in a while (pfft the night before). Actually I found myself articulating moves I haven't seen in such a long time, with such steady detail (acid tweek acid tweek Tweek acid! but i was sober this time). As the whole room oogled, my body told some demonic story of possesion...not that anyone saw that, I was just some weird flaimin' asian girl sessy dancin.Later as I was tailin Carly out for a cig. I saw anthony and a quick sharp anger busted outa me, as I was denied drink tickets, I fucking screamed at him "Dood I work my ASS off for fucking NOTHING". n made a dramatic exit in front of a lot of people namely some of the SP team.mind me, I went there knowing very well that I wouldn't get any sort of compensation. It was more of a favor to Anthony...I just felt the need to vent after being gawked at & grabbed by nasty men, and being used as kibble for the kibbling masses of blackend clove smoking souls.(gave a type of apologetic gesture later.) People and the all mighty "promoters" don't understand that a this IS work I am servicing a need, with purpose, without girls like us, it winds up being nothing short of a jr. high wall flower sock hop. And it seriously was until I got up on the go-go box under the spotlight...wandering uneasy eyes now had something interesting to watch and feel ok about being flailing white people with no rhythm...(it's ok man she distracts everyone "i can dance too" kinda thing) There were these two girls (sweet i'm sure), I was yelling about, they took over the go-go box with out asking and were generally shity dancers. I was told to just go kick em off..I explained that I let them do it because it's the only thing they've got to feel included (hypocritical are we?), one of them over heard me...I didn't even feel bad. I should be pommeled and made to lick the armpits of despair. I'm not this mean but I get a little fed up sometimes and if you're in the crossfire...pft good luck with the feelings part.I was bitching outside for a minute, got ten bux outa the other promoter and went on my merry way to battle one of those late raver stcragglers who just started the whole "rave" thing...bleh how'd they get in, fuck wads need a skooling or two.the beginning of some sort of end. i'm losing a sense of real purpose...again. i just need a squeeze a main squeeze mein. hrmf. You're flattered by someone's attention, but their intensity might make you feel a little self-conscious. But hey, you really are fabulous -- bask in it while you evaluate their other qualities honestly. It'll take an army of details to hold you back, so get busy brushing them out of your way one by one. You've got the patience and you've got the brainpower, so work it on out.You don't need anyone who's merely second-best. You've done second-best and you know you can do better. So hold out. Someone who's really top-notch will come along. month love?You're in the mood to love 'em and leave 'em on the 1st and 2nd. Whether you actually do that is another story. Certain chickens come home to roost between the 3rd and 8th. If you once hurt somebody, he or she is slow to trust again. Gamblers are at a disadvantage on the weekend of the 5th when someone else holds all the cards. Of course, there's still the ace of hearts that you pull out of your sleeve on the 9th or 10th, but aren't you a little too mature for this kind of emotional thrill seeking? Maybe not, especially if someone is kissing and telling on the 12th or 13th. A little reputation adjustment seems to work in your favor. From the 14th through 25th you're all charm and subtle pressure. But after the 17th you're looking for more than just satisfaction and another feather in your cap. Between the 19th and 22nd there are hopes and whispers about long-term partnership. From here it looks like your own personal summer of love. Passionate couples stub their toes on core issues around the 27th, but the healing lasts well beyond the hurt. Emphasize your undying commitment on the 29th.